Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Caring for the Caretaker
How my heart aches tonight. Talking to my mom and hearing her anguish and exhaustion. And her strength. I just wish there was someway to lift her burden. She doesn't even feel like taking the time to shop. That is our best time to communicate :).
The waiting is so frustrating. With it - the hope. A great conversation, a day where he feels great. And then the slap in the face. Another complication - another hurdle. And resignation just settles in. I didn't understand the weight of it...
The waiting is so frustrating. With it - the hope. A great conversation, a day where he feels great. And then the slap in the face. Another complication - another hurdle. And resignation just settles in. I didn't understand the weight of it...
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Faith in My Fathers
As I contemplate the imminent passing of my dear dad - I am once again driven to seek my Heavenly Father. And have been brought again into the knowledge that it is only because of my dad that I have a relationship with my God.
My life has been blessed - sheltered even. And yet, I have continually sought to create difficulties - I enjoy the drama. Many of these difficulties were honestly not my own fault - I remember the pain that came with a track injury - and the frustration. How I hated not being able to run. I remember the anger and choices that came as secondary results... I remember throwing up after countless meals - hating the size I had become. I remember, vividly, words I said to drive my family and friends away. And I remember 'faking it' so that others would think I was fine - so I could wallow in my self contempt a little longer. These choices permeated much of my life - and I know are not uncommon. I was a pretty typical teenage girl.
And through all of it - I remember my father. I remember him picking me up from school and taking me to the counselor. I remember him at every track meet. I remember him praying for me - even as I scoffed at his God. Ever patient and loving. Constantly support - and guiding. Dad would not ignore my misbehavior - it was grievous and I know caused him much pain. And like our Heavenly Father - Dad would call me to be better - to be more of who I was. Yet he did it with such patient, accepting love.
Through his illness - he has had such integrity, such vitality. And in his illness, God has worked many miracles. These miracles forced me to face God - and finally accept. Because with an earthly father who so clearly points to a Heavenly one, accepting is truly coming home. And like the prodigal, it is open arms that wait for me every time.
And I think about the statement 3-6 months. I wonder - is this enough? Enough time to memorize the sound of his voice in my mind? To preserve his words, so quietly spoken and so wisely chosen? Enough for my children to have imprinted his face, his winking eyes? Enough time for me to find more of God? And the obvious answer is no - it just isn't. There is never really enough time. So trite, and so true.
And the truth is that I have known - I have imagined this day coming. I have imagined my mother without my father. I have soaked his presence up like the first rainfall... Yet when the reality becomes real - I have no idea how to face life without my father.
And so I cling to the faith he has led me to. The God who truly created my dad in His image has won my heart - because he gave me my father - exactly the one I needed. And the faith of my father will sustain the faith in my Father.
My life has been blessed - sheltered even. And yet, I have continually sought to create difficulties - I enjoy the drama. Many of these difficulties were honestly not my own fault - I remember the pain that came with a track injury - and the frustration. How I hated not being able to run. I remember the anger and choices that came as secondary results... I remember throwing up after countless meals - hating the size I had become. I remember, vividly, words I said to drive my family and friends away. And I remember 'faking it' so that others would think I was fine - so I could wallow in my self contempt a little longer. These choices permeated much of my life - and I know are not uncommon. I was a pretty typical teenage girl.
And through all of it - I remember my father. I remember him picking me up from school and taking me to the counselor. I remember him at every track meet. I remember him praying for me - even as I scoffed at his God. Ever patient and loving. Constantly support - and guiding. Dad would not ignore my misbehavior - it was grievous and I know caused him much pain. And like our Heavenly Father - Dad would call me to be better - to be more of who I was. Yet he did it with such patient, accepting love.
Through his illness - he has had such integrity, such vitality. And in his illness, God has worked many miracles. These miracles forced me to face God - and finally accept. Because with an earthly father who so clearly points to a Heavenly one, accepting is truly coming home. And like the prodigal, it is open arms that wait for me every time.
And I think about the statement 3-6 months. I wonder - is this enough? Enough time to memorize the sound of his voice in my mind? To preserve his words, so quietly spoken and so wisely chosen? Enough for my children to have imprinted his face, his winking eyes? Enough time for me to find more of God? And the obvious answer is no - it just isn't. There is never really enough time. So trite, and so true.
And the truth is that I have known - I have imagined this day coming. I have imagined my mother without my father. I have soaked his presence up like the first rainfall... Yet when the reality becomes real - I have no idea how to face life without my father.
And so I cling to the faith he has led me to. The God who truly created my dad in His image has won my heart - because he gave me my father - exactly the one I needed. And the faith of my father will sustain the faith in my Father.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Pursuing Imperfection
I have been so consumed with guilt, with failure, with self-loathing... I am amazed at how distinctly and deliberately I withhold grace from myself. How can someone as vile and disappointing be loved?
And yet the more I learn about grace - the more I realize that it is my imperfection that allows God to deliver grace. It is my failure that demonstrates my need for Him. So by seeking perfection rather than Christ, I am obviously and painfully missing the mark.
Yet - I still ask how - how can I do this, how can I make it happen... and really it isn't me that can do anything.
On other notes - Dexter absolutely loves kindergarten. He has a little buddy and they faithfully play Transformers every recess. His first conference squelched many of my remaining fears, at least for the week. Adeline is crawling and finally, finally getting teeth. Unfortunately several at once. She is a constant source of joy - such a happy disposition.
And yet the more I learn about grace - the more I realize that it is my imperfection that allows God to deliver grace. It is my failure that demonstrates my need for Him. So by seeking perfection rather than Christ, I am obviously and painfully missing the mark.
Yet - I still ask how - how can I do this, how can I make it happen... and really it isn't me that can do anything.
On other notes - Dexter absolutely loves kindergarten. He has a little buddy and they faithfully play Transformers every recess. His first conference squelched many of my remaining fears, at least for the week. Adeline is crawling and finally, finally getting teeth. Unfortunately several at once. She is a constant source of joy - such a happy disposition.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Conquering Kindergarten
My son started school this week. And my new job allowed me the flexibility of dropping him off and picking him up on his first day. All the parents took their kiddos to the cafeteria, then waited until the teacher lined them up with their ‘duck tails’ behind them and they left us behind. And my son left me with the biggest grin on his face – waving with such excitement. And I thought – wow – here we go, a lifetime of leaving begins in this moment. He traipsed off down the hall, gleeful with 6 boys and 2 girls (half the class goes the 1st two days, then they all go then 3rd day). He is ecstatic about his class – 16 boys and only 6 girls. I am praying for his teacher. And all I could think was’ my little boy doesn’t need me.’ And I went to my office and cried.
When I picked him up, I had to glue myself to the car seat – parents are supposed to stay in their cars – and wait for him to be escorted. I managed to not scream out – 'did you discover how gifted he is', but simply smiled and said ‘I assume the day went well.' He delightedly crawled into the backseat and launched into a detailed explanation of the day – which started with 'no one had to move their name clip' and ended with ‘can I play video games’ and lasted about 15 seconds. No new best friends, no new insights into the world, just a genuine enjoyment. And a true anticipation for the next day.
When I picked him up, I had to glue myself to the car seat – parents are supposed to stay in their cars – and wait for him to be escorted. I managed to not scream out – 'did you discover how gifted he is', but simply smiled and said ‘I assume the day went well.' He delightedly crawled into the backseat and launched into a detailed explanation of the day – which started with 'no one had to move their name clip' and ended with ‘can I play video games’ and lasted about 15 seconds. No new best friends, no new insights into the world, just a genuine enjoyment. And a true anticipation for the next day.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Provision
Ryan and I have been really struggling lately, financially, emotionally, etc. So we set out to truly seek ye first... and claim the Lord's promise of provision in our lives - not knowing what that would mean. So the last two weeks have been dedicated to allowing God to dictate what we need and when we need it. Yes, we think the house needs to sell, yes we think the customers need to pay their bills so we can pay ours... yes, we think our kids need to eat:). But maybe God knows better than us. So we devoted our prayers to giving up control. And what a two weeks it has been. Ryan figured out a way to save thousands a month in payroll - the Lord provided clarity. I changed my withholdings on my check - which boosted my check by a whole bunch - the Lord provided financially, Dexter's blood tests came back negative - the Lord provided health. Ryan and I have had some great prayer times - the Lord provided companionship. I gave up a deep, agonizing hurt that has burdened and debilitated me three years - and found forgiveness - the Lord provided release. And at the same time - each time we have gone to the post office, there has been money, just enough to pay the bills for that particular day.
Yet in spite of all of that, last night when I couldn't find the papers I need to complete Dexter's kindergarten registration - and spent most of the night awake in a fretful, control freak state, I couldn't trust the Lord to provide the simple things. Apparently in my life, He is only God of the big things:).
So, I am working on allowing God's provision to be what it is - we might not sell the house, but we might not need to. Dexter will go to kindergarten, and I will be okay. Forgiveness will continue to grow in my hurt - and the Lord will continue to provide. That does not mean everything will be fixed or easy - but He will provide what we need.
And in my heart of hearts - I hope that I continue to seek Him even when things are not overwhelming and desperate. But will seek Him in my thanksgiving and praise as well. What an amazing, loving God we serve!
Yet in spite of all of that, last night when I couldn't find the papers I need to complete Dexter's kindergarten registration - and spent most of the night awake in a fretful, control freak state, I couldn't trust the Lord to provide the simple things. Apparently in my life, He is only God of the big things:).
So, I am working on allowing God's provision to be what it is - we might not sell the house, but we might not need to. Dexter will go to kindergarten, and I will be okay. Forgiveness will continue to grow in my hurt - and the Lord will continue to provide. That does not mean everything will be fixed or easy - but He will provide what we need.
And in my heart of hearts - I hope that I continue to seek Him even when things are not overwhelming and desperate. But will seek Him in my thanksgiving and praise as well. What an amazing, loving God we serve!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Ooops...
When trying to make a good first impression on your new job by planning a great first event and inviting really important people - it is important to get the dates right. Just putting that out there. So much for looking organized and efficient... now I'll try to pull off apologetic and humble:).
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