Disappointment

So this post has nothing to do with running - although a good run would have done wonders today...

I am at a spot. An uncomfortable one. I am struggling. For the last two months, there has been this possibility - a hope on the horizon. This possibility would have propelled me out of the spot - and into another one. And while I realize that it was always just a possibility, I had structured my whole life around this hope. I had made plans - for my family, my time, my workouts, even my wardrobe - to fit this new spot. The anticipation was so sweet, so hopeful, so welcoming, so freeing.

And then today. At 9:30 the possibility was taken away. Not from me directly - it wasn't a rejection. Just a general removal of chances. And when I found out - I cried. Not just a little - we're talking hyperventilating, sobbing, shaking tears. Mascara streaks, red swollen eyes. Forty-five minutes of heart-wrenching, nauseating tears. In my office. In the middle of it, I pulled myself together, snuck into the bathroom, and washed my face - ready to go teach my 3rd period class.

Only to realize that somehow I had missed the beginning of class. When I got there, my assistant had the kids working diligently. I walked in and a group of loving 7th graders asked where I'd been. Embarrassed for a myriad of reasons, I promptly burst into tears again. Which moritifed both myself and my students. And bless her heart, my aide, Ms. F pulled me over and said, "I got this - go compose yourself." And on my way out the door a 7th grader pulled me over, hugged me, and said, 'be okay' this from a girl who routinely points out the flaws in my outfits.

So I went into my office, sweet solitude, and wept some more.

As I was leaving work, a little early - nothing like a trip to the dentist to cheer a girl up - a coworker saw me. His response, 'you look like you got beat up today.' And yeah, that was exactly how I felt.

So tonight, I'm in mourning. The hope that I have held onto is gone - which is going to make the next 31 days excruiating. I know that the Lord holds enough hope for me - and that by tomorrow, I can cling to that hope - which is bigger than any circumstance, or spot I find myself in. But I also know that tomorrow brings another day of difficulty - in processes and in people. And I need to find some solace and some compassion for others. I can do that tomorrow. Tonight - I just want to curl up and cry a little bit more. And eat ice cream. Tomorrow - God's hope. Tonight - my own despair.