Truth and Choices.

I have a very wise friend, who encouraged me in a moment of great, intense weakness to cling to the truths that I know, that I have chosen – while acknowledging all the reasons I might be in an incredible slump – faced with dark feelings I’ve never experienced…

So, in homage to this friend, I am writing 2 Top 10 Lists. The first is dealing openly and honestly with my current harsh realities. The second is seeking the truths in my life that might help me overcome and move forward from this dark place that seems to be encompassing every facet of my life. All of this in the desperate hope that things will get better. That this is the dark before the morning – that dawn will come for me. Staggering in my night is suffocating me.

The Ugly Truths:
10. I have moved twice in the last 2 ½ months. That was difficult – emotionally, physically – not to mention all the details that have to be taken care of…

9. Moving from one town meant I left a network of friends that supported me more than I realized.

8. My father has been gravely ill for many, many years – and there seems to be no resolution in sight – for either complete healing or a peaceful ending.

7. My father’s illness creates dynamics that are both a blessing and a difficulty – often I am called to make a choice between caring for him and my mom or my own family, or myself. I always come third. And then feel guilty because I recognize how blessed we are to have him still here.

6. I have a job that is at its best, extremely difficult, and at its worst – horrible. I love the work itself, the students, and many of my colleagues – but many of the dynamics leave me feeling beat up on a daily basis. This job requires that I leave my home at 6:30 – before I even see my kids. This job, this career is a calling that makes relationships with others difficult because of the time and energy it takes.

5. I am married to a man that I love desperately, but our opposite personalities make things like partnering in child-rearing difficult. His work creates so much stress in our lives that I struggle to not resent it.

4. I am still incredibly dissatisfied with my body – even though I try desperately not to be. This is compounded by the fact that my schedule has made consistent working out difficult. Another byproduct of changing both my job and my home in the last year.

3. I am incredibly lonely. I left friends behind that ran, skied, and prayed with me. I feel isolated and alone. I don’t even feel that I can share the extent of my aching aloneness with my husband.

2. I cannot find God. I know he is there, but I can’t find Him. The church we’ve recently tried (for the last two months) has been friendly, but I can’t find God there – collectively it feels like dry bones. That could be me, the church, who knows, but my loneliness increases every Sunday.

1. My own personality. I am a compulsive achiever – someone who must constantly be better. This drive is catching up with me – my need for perfection and to appear effective and efficient is consuming – and the cracks are beginning to show.

Enough whining… Now onto my positive truths…

10. Moving was the right thing to do. We were both convicted, and only God could have worked things out the way they did. We are going to save thousands.

9. I can make new friends while keeping in contact with the old ones – that will require effort on my part.

8. My Daddy is still here – and that is an amazing miracle.

7. I am honored to help care for Dad. It is a privilege to have people need me.

6. I have chosen this career because I was called to it. God created me for it. I might not love my current job – but the career is an honor and privilege. I am good at it. I will find my center in it again. The sacrifices I make to do the job are honored by God – He will take care of my children.

5. I love my husband. I chose him – and I continue to choose him. There are aspects of him that I find exceedingly difficult – but again, I chose and choose him. Again and again.

4. Running makes me feel better. I need to run. I am healthy. I can accept the chubs – if I allow God to work through me.

3. I am lonely because I tend to isolate myself. Friendships take work. A lot of work. I have to be willing to do it. I cannot wait for people to want to be my friend – my personality often drives them away. I can set aside my need to achieve and just be with people. That will take a certain amount of vulnerability.

2. God is there. God is always there. He will find me. He promises to answer when we seek Him. I will continue to seek.

1. I am who I am. I am created by God. End of story. My personality is His design. I can choose to develop my strengths or be beat by them.

So now I have to wonder purposefully through this desert, through this wilderness. And trust that the truths I hold will come to fruition. That the promises of God remain true. And that every season holds purpose, even dark ugly seasons.